so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
