Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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