My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
We left the knife in your bed.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
