Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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