dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
