So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
