oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
