FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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