woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
