I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
this is an emotional support booty call
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
