i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I just found a bag of teeth...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize