I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
