I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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