peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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