We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
