Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
