Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Randomize
