update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
