the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
