I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I think I am morally bankrupt
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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