we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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