I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
