first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
