i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
