Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
