im about as happy as oj after his trial
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
