I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
