it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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