maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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