I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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