i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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