i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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