why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Someone signed my nipple.
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