i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
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I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
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Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
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