Plan B is the new Plan A
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
