new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
