There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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