How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
