I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
