Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
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