i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
