i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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