it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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