She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
