Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
