I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
