I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
