made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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