Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
someone owes me an orgasm
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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