i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
