You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
