they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
