his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
