If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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