It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Come share oat with me in your robe
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
