On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
