I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
