me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
