i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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